Lilli Petsch-Horvath: finding herself, finding her people

"Some people don't believe bisexuals are real. And yet, here I am."

Although she only recently came out as bisexual to friends and family, Lilli Petsch-Horvath has been listening to murmurs of her identity with increasing intention for many years. Her emotional journey, spanning two continents and several decades, led her to explore and accept her true self.

Born in Milwaukee at the end of the last century, Lilli has moved throughout the Midwest. Her wanderings have come full circle, with formative years spent in Elkhorn, Wisconsin, college in Decorah, Iowa, internships in South Africa and graduate studies back in Milwaukee metro. 

Lilli is a Social Worker and behavioral development specialist. She is also an avid volunteer with Best Buddies in the Milwaukee metro area. Best Buddies is an organization which offers one on one friendship, integrated employment and leadership development for individuals with and without intellectual and developmental disabilities. Lilli is also a soprano in the Milwaukee Chamber Choir. When she can she also volunteers with Bi+ Pride Milwaukee. 

Lilli also credits the Pride Parade, where she has marched with BPM and PrideFest, as experiences in which she can be fully visible as a queer person. She encourages everyone to participate in whatever way they can, in person, and wants to reassure bi+ folks that they will find a warm and welcoming environment.

Lilli came out, officially, to her nearest and dearest and to her workplace on Coming Out Day in 2024. While she had told her parents, her partner and some close friends prior to that she says that was the day there was no going back. She was an official bisexual and wanted to be very clear about her identity. Overall, her family reaction was positive and supportive, if a bit underwhelming.

“Did I really feel supported in all the ways I needed? No, but I wasn’t tossed aside or shut out or anything.”

Lilli was open with her current partner. They have been together for three years and she felt absolutely transparency and honesty is the bedrock of any successful relationship. As far as work is concerned, Lilli did get some positive responses and some who chose not to respond at all. The good news is that the responses she did receive were affirming.

There are misconceptions that Lilli would like to put to rest. She will sometimes run into the tired old canard that bisexuality is just a phase. While this can sometimes be unsaid, it is something that she will pick up on when talking about her queerness with others.

“It is as though some people think bisexuality has a switch and it can be turned on and off. That makes me feel that they don’t accept that it is an intrinsic part of who I am. It can sometimes come with a question such as, how do you know you’re bi?”

This questioning can take a toll. Lilli makes a concerted effort to correct people who assume her relationship is a heterosexual one.

“I’m trying to work really hard on normalizing that, no, this is a queer relationship.”

Another challenge are the assumptions people make. Lilli is partnered with a straight cis man and so, far too often, folks will assume she is straight, too.

"In my experience, it often feels like an unwillingness to understand what bisexuality is. It is like people don’t believe bisexuality is real. And, yet, here I am.”

Sometimes, people will also equate bisexuality with swingers and assume that bisexuals ‘sleep around’ or cheat on their partners. This is damaging and hurtful and Lilli emphatically states it is simply not true.

When it comes to damaging myths about the bi community, the one which Lilli finds most perplexing is that some people actually think bisexuality is not really, that it doesn’t exist. The worst aspect is when this myth is used by other queer folks. Lilli says it definitely hurts not feeling fully accepted.

Right now, Lilli sees her priority as advocating for the LGBTQ community and especially our trans folks. As a bi person who is also gender non-conforming, Lilli sees herself as someone who must speak out for all trans and genderqueer members of the community.

“We can really help normalize the fluidity of human sexuality and orientation.”

Lilli is especially proud of the hard work she put in to obtain her masters degree and continue her journey to clinical licensure -- while also being her full and authentic self.

“I am feeling really proud of myself for being a safe and affirming provider for others, especially my queer clients."

Looking ahead, Lilli worries about hard fought and hard won civil liberties and human rights being stripped away from all marginalized communities. Her concerns extend to the educational environment. She also sees many good things on the horizon.

“Younger people seem to be so much more accepting of queerness and expressing themselves in whatever way they want. As a middle millennial, I look up to them for that.”

That said, again, Lilli mentioned the education system and specifically some school districts who are walking back their DEI initiatives. She sees this played out in the need for gender neutral bathrooms and the pushback some school districts are exhibiting.

“This is the human body and these seemingly little things really matter. The little things are often the most important things.”

In her view, these things are less DEI and more decency to provide for everyone in the school community. As Lilli thinks about upcoming generations her advice is to have fun, ask for help when you need it and be there for others.

"Say no. Remember, no is a complete sentence. And, find your people. Get off of your phones and your tablets and find your people in real life.”

In a nutshell, the advice is to find your community so you can support them and they can support you.

"Right now, I see the queer community as very siloed. I still see groups congregating as how they might identify. I’d love to see more representation of everybody. We need to see more queer people in leadership positions, as policymakers, advocacy workers, politicians."

“I would love to see more professional athletes coming out to normalize the idea of queer people in sport.”

Lilli expresses that she feels confident and authentic in her bisexual, gender non-conforming identity and strongly encourages everyone, who can do so safely, to come out and show pride in who they are. She could not be happier that she lives her truth everyday.