September 25, 2026 | Amy Luettgen

Val Benner: finding identity, community, purpose, and belonging

Finding yourself means finding the people and places where you finally feel at home.

For more than three decades, Val Benner (she/they) has built a life much the same way they approach cooking: by bringing together diverse ingredients to create something meaningful. A chef, culinary consultant, community advocate, and volunteer, Val has spent a lifetime cultivating connection, creating opportunities for others, and building spaces where people feel welcomed and valued.

Over the decades, Val has also assembled a chosen family that embraces their pansexuality and gender fluidity.

Born in Bay City, Michigan and later growing up in Merrill, Wisconsin, Val grew up in a deeply conservative and religious environment. Pushing back against paternal Catholicism and maternal Northern Baptist evangelism, they learned early how important it was to protect themselves and carefully navigate the expectations of family and community. Open discussion of identity was unsafe, and to maintain their security and shelter, Val did not come out to their parents.

"Growing up in rural and small town Michigan was not a place to be ‘not straight’ in the 90’s. It was a community where it was not safe to express my full identity. I kind of tucked it up and kept quiet. I was living with my mother at the time and knew I had to leave. When I was 16 I ran away from her home to live with my father in Harvard, Illinois. To be honest, it was another conservative small town with ugly views about queer people. I could not wait to get the heck out of there."

Those early experiences taught Val resilience and self-reliance. Because both sides of their family were unsupportive, Val kept their pansexuality under lock and key, revealing only straight-appearing relationships to family while living openly among chosen friends. In fact, Val notes they are still not out to their family today, though they have been living "out loud" since they were 40.

At eighteen, determined to explore new opportunities and create a life on their own terms, Val moved to Madison, Wisconsin. The move proved transformative. While pursuing higher education, Val joined the 10% Society, a student group serving LGBTQ individuals on campus. However, pansexuality was not a definition widely embraced at the time, and Val sometimes felt they were not considered "queer enough" in certain gay and lesbian groups.

Instead, Val found a deeper sense of connection and understanding within the kink, leather, and metal communities.

"We had leather and lace night. I was grateful for all the different bar scenes. These were, for the most part, distinctly safe places for queer folks where I could explore... having the kink and metal bars was great and helped me understand my identity."

Finding queer role models in the 1990s was difficult, especially before the internet made it easier to connect. Val points to David Bowie as an out bisexual inspiration during a time when they often lived in fear of being found out.

Even as they found their chosen family, Val had to navigate damaging myths about the bi/pan community. They recall that being pansexual often led to assumptions that they were "up for anything" and were frequently asked by couples at bars to be a "third".

"I am relatively demisexual so it was horrible when that happened," they explain.

Assumptions based on presentation also created hurdles.

"People think I am a lesbian because I am a big old Swedish lady with a lot of tattoos. When they find out I am pan they, far too often, think I am not going to be dedicated to a femme relationship. That is not true. I am attracted to the person, not necessarily the gender..."

While navigating their personal journey, Val was simultaneously building an impressive professional foundation. They started at the University of Wisconsin, then transitioned to Upper Iowa University for a more flexible program, completing a degree in Industrial Psychology while working full-time. Their culinary education at the prestigious Johnson & Wales University in Rhode Island was made possible through a two-year workplace hospitality contract.

Their professional journey led from Madison to Chicago, where they worked at the world-famous Pump Room and the flagship Palmer House Hilton. Whether in restaurants, hotels, or neighborhoods, Val consistently looked for ways to create a lasting impact, particularly through sustainability and food access.

"I garden everywhere I go. I helped with the rooftop garden at the Sculpture Garden at the Madison Museum of Contemporary Art. That was something I continued to create in Chicago. I do it in my Sherman Park neighborhood where I bought my first house... I’m making an urban food forest for my neighbors. I do things to make food more accessible and sustainable. I am starting to live my dreams, not only my culinary but my personal dreams."

Today, Val serves as a culinary consultant for Direct Supply, helping senior living communities make informed decisions about food purchasing and operational efficiency. A career pivot at 45 allowed them to step away from 60-hour weeks on their feet, providing flexibility for volunteer work and the freedom to be fully open in both their career and life.

Volunteerism has become one of the most meaningful ways Val gives back. They have volunteered with the Milwaukee Pride Parade for two years, joining the board as a genderqueer, pansexual voice at the urging of their friend, Andrew. Val has also completed training through the League of Women Voters and the ACLU to assist with voter engagement and legal observation.

"We all assume someone else is going to do it. No, you have to do it. I call it ‘being in The Matrix’—a lot of folks are on their phone and not really living in the real world. You have to get out there, you have to volunteer, and be seen, and be active. We have to lock arms and make a difference. We have to take care of each other, especially in the queer community, when things are so challenging right now."

Looking toward the future, Val remains optimistic about the power of individuals to create meaningful change. They encourage younger generations to find their passion, step up despite fear and anxiety, and learn about those who paved the way by reading the Wisconsin LGBTQ History Project profiles.

Today, Val has built the kind of life they once dreamed about: one rooted in authenticity, purpose, community, and service.

"I don’t need a romantic relationship right now and I love living alone, I love to have my own sanctuary and have a place to share with my queer and trans friends. They know they are safe with me."

Looking back, Val sees a journey defined not by the absence of challenges, but by the courage to move forward despite them. From a childhood spent searching for belonging to a life centered on helping others thrive, they have created the very thing they once needed: a community built on acceptance, compassion, and connection.